I had a strange feeling before I left, as though I wasn't supposed to go. I was packed, organized, put together, squared away, prepared, and ready to travel. But as life goes, it is predictably unpredictable. And even when you've planned every detail, it sometimes goes awry. One moment everything was right on track and then suddenly life said, "Goodbye Order, Enter - Chaos."
Logic told me the notion to cancel was ridiculous. Plus, I really wanted to go. I just felt "off" about it. I felt "off" again in the airport upon arrival, "off" again when we checked into the hotel, and "off" again thinking about our upcoming excursion. I had no reasoning to support this. I'm a traveler, a decent swimmer, an adventurer of my own kind, and experienced. My daughter is also well seasoned in traveling, an excellent swimmer, and of sound mind when it comes to adventure. I had no reason to be "off".
36 hours later I could barely walk. After a series of events, I found myself standing under a small carport in the pouring rain, praying to God that relief stood on the other side of this stranger's door, and wondering just how in the miracle of miracles I was going to make it back home. This stranger was a semi-retired, 70 year old, small, Japanese chiropractor who interrogated me as I sobbed through the pain. After 10 minutes of accusatory questioning his words, "Your doctor did this to you", left me crushed, angry, and feeling deeply betrayed. But still, I couldn't walk, couldn't sleep, couldn't even think from the extreme pain. Life had changed that fast.
Symptoms told us it a was ruptured disc, which also happened to partially rupture 18 months prior. The question was, how did this happen, again? And what were we going to do about it now? Because there I was, sitting in the rain, 3,700 miles away from home, with no idea how I would get there. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit in a vehicle seat, and I could barely take care of myself at all. Medicated and crying for a week straight, I finally found myself limping out of the back door of the ER with an "acquired" walker, drugged up and angry, but determined to get help and get home. But with one divinely directed phone call, somehow I found Dr. Chang. I walked into his office one hour later. And that was the beginning of renewal. Hello Chaos, Meet Hope.
Dr. Chang somehow, in the course of one hour, gave me strength, working legs, enough range of motion to move, and hope that I might be boarding a plane the next day. I continually cried my way through prayers, pains, and terrible homesickness at this point. But I walked out, head held up, even if marginally. And I called an Uber from the sidewalk. The man that showed up was God's second answered prayer that day. We spent the drive talking about chiropractors, injuries, and finally God. I watched his face visibly change as I told him I was not just trusting God to heal me, but I was expecting it. And I was expecting God to answer this prayer of mine because I had full faith in Him as my healer. I was banking on it. I was leading with the expectation that it was already done, even though that was an act of faith itself. Our visit was refreshing and peaceful, and no doubt we both were blessed by it. We arrived at my hotel and my driver rushed around the car to help me out. And then, without even asking, he prayed over me. This stranger captured both of my hands, held them tightly as though he was physically holding me up, and prayed something so intentional, profound, and deeply heartfelt over me. I continued to cry, for so many reasons. But partly because I knew God sent him to pick me up that day. God was abundantly present and working.
I knew it. And I felt it. Hope, meet Divine Intervention.
The next few days brought me back to Oklahoma and onto a new chiropractor as well as an orthopedic doctor. The series of connected dots was like rocks skipping across the smooth surface of a quiet lake. Effortless, as though each touch of the rock against water was a catapult - directed, and intentional. Nothing was perfect, but it felt as though God had orchestrated each event months prior, and was executing each move with perfection. Although in my world, it was something like Christmas lights being tossed around in a windstorm. I was a mess. Although I felt healing happening in micro steps each day, one small, very small, step at a time. My skipping rock finally landed me with the fourth new chiropractor I had seen in two weeks. He was "filling in" for the doctor I had intended to see since she was on maternity leave. And on Day 1 with Dr. Daniel, I felt Peace enter the conversation. And Divine Intervention had ushered her in like a queen.
Seven visits later, six of which I left crying, I knew I had some things to sort out in my mind. Every Tuesday since the incident, I had seen Dr. Jacob. He is phenomenal, funny, and profoundly skilled. And I deeply appreciate what he has taught me about physical therapy, movement, and muscles. But on Thursdays with Dr. Daniel, I know I am getting a strategic and pivotal adjustment during the appointment; however, it is our 10 minute ministry that has changed me. In one of those talks today I confided in him that each of our visits has somehow unlocked a door in my mind that I didn't know was closed. In fact, they were doors that weren't only closed, but locked, wedged shut from sagging hinges and age, and then painted camouflage. They were doors I never even knew were there.
During our time, we have talked about re-establishing connections within the spine and the electrical system of the body that have been broken or disconnected. We've talked about the expectations of others that hinder us and somehow paint us into emotional corners. We have talked about adventure and the "what if we fail, but what if we don't?" mentalities. We've talked about the physical manifestations of emotions, labels, and those who have lied to us. And today, once again, I left in happy tears as we talked about Truth.
"Chaos reveals truth", he says. I question this as he explains. He is talking with excited, rapid speech. His metaphors swimming around in my head as I struggle to find my balance and equilibrium once again, from both a major adjustment and a very secure door that was just jarred open. Chaos reveals Truth. Truth brings Healing. He goes on to talk about labels, diagnoses, and life. And I think about this the entirety of my 52 miles home from my 10 minute ministry.
The message is this. Chaos reveals the truth in us. It reveals what we think, what our instincts tell us, what we feel, what we want, what emotions are buried inside of us. Once we have the truth, healing lies behind the closed door that has been locked and painted over. Truth allows us to discard the labels and diagnosis so that we can really heal. Where one doctor says, "It's just your back, You'll always be this way. All we can do is pain management." another doctor says, "Let's rebuild the connections. And man, this is going to be an exciting healing!" Never have I been so uplifted, encouraged, rebuilt, and renewed physically and mentally as I have from my Thursday visits.
Where age, experience, and injury have placed labels on me, each opened door has changed that. Where I felt broken, I feel healing. Where I felt hurt, I now feel restored. Where I felt failure, I now have renewal. And while my body is still the healing body of a 47-year-old with spinal issues - well, my mind seems to be going back in time to the woman who had no fear, who knew no fear, to the woman behind the labels.
"You're going to fail your way to the top, girl.", was the very recent Dr. Dan epiphany. It was a simple and yet realistically hopeful statement. It was not grounded in daydreams, or naïve optimism. It was Real. It was Truth. It was Hope. It was Light. And it has been renewal and restoration with each and every visit. I wonder now, who will I be when all of my doors are opened up and light floods these dark rooms? Who am I when the cluttered closets are cleaned out and the dank, neglected places are flooded with fresh air, sunlight, and laughter? Who will I be then? Dr. Daniel says, "The fact that you ask that question is healing itself." And the tears fall again because that renewal is a bubbling stream of fresh water now. And Hope is alive and well inside of me... pressed down, shaken together, and running over.
And the most profound irony is this. Never would I have changed my routine, changed chiropractors after 15 years, decided to drive 52 miles one way for a 10 minute visit, to an out of the way chiropractic office that I've never heard of, unless something life changing had occurred. Never, would I have considered it... except for a catastrophe that left me desperate, immobile, mentally paralyzed, clinging to prayer, with a glimmer of hope from one Dr. Chang...who sent me to a woman he never met, who was on maternity leave. And Dr. Daniel stepped in.
And that is the miracle that happens, when our Chaos Meets Truth.
Comments